cambio

 birthday pics from point reyes.  great times.

some things change, others stay the same.

i'm home in new york today.  hopped on the dead-eye last night into a seat that didn't recline (oops!) and had all night to think about my life, or to not think and watch sex in the city and avatar on the little tv screen.

i return home to my room.  the same which i have lived since i was born.  yes, that long!  home feels comfortable but cluttered.  not like the attempted sparcity i currently inhabit...it feels lived in.

this morning i awoke and ran to central park.  exactly as i was hoping, the forsythia started blooming, and cherry blossoms are out.  i ran the bottom loop of the park, through large numbers of people recreating on a friday, so relieved to feel the sun on their beautiful bodies.

running on the streets of the city, i felt completely at ease.  people made sense to me.  the buildings were familiar from years of elementary school playdates, skateboarding down park avenue, getting into trouble.

i have moments in new york, where i wonder if i should live here.  leave the purposeful discomfort i inhabit in california, for familiarity of 25 years.  i wonder when the time will come that life in california feels so sweet deep down inside.  comfortable too.

as you may have heard, this week i moved my home and office.  i just so happened to be busier than i have been in all my time at work, right in the midst of significant physical upheaval and exhaustion.  all self-care has gone out the window, less jogging and minor stretches.  my belly grows from sitting in front of the computer all day and i long to be outside forever swimming hiking playing in europe or somewhere that my cares cannot follow.

cares.  i wear them on my body, and they show.  a heaviness that i am eager to release.  i have high hopes that the yoga studio opening one block (yes!) from my new home will provide.  it's called 'flying yoga'.  i have fantasies of working half time as a yoga instructor, or taking some time to explore the world as i have done in the past.  i can tell that time is coming soon...

until then i continue to plug away.  making critical decisions.  realizing that nothing is important and your behavior throughout is what matters.  using the vipassana training i received six years ago to be here now.  to let go.

so that's where i'm at friends.  mom's having a birthday party for me tomorrow, which makes me nervous and excited all at once.  i think it will feel like a holiday at the house.  we are all a little anxious right now, and i'm hoping to get a little bit of rest before this trip to new orleans...more on that later.

much love in the hood.
alis