winning

for as long as i can remember, i've wanted to be in love.  as a teenager, i fantasized about meeting a handsome stranger on the bus coming home from school.  in college, i was sure i'd drop a book on the library floor only to have it picked up by 'the one'.  eyes lock.  passion would ensue.  i'd be married at 26.  children at 28.  settled into a home and family by 30.

my first love ended at 18.  my second at 26.  after a long saga of ups and downs, i was 30 and living alone.  a single girl in a city that wasn't quite home.  my fairy tale was just that - a story in my head, affirmed by movies, but it wasn't real.  

after bearing the test of time, a happy ending!  i was brought a great gift.  well, two gifts actually...and i wasn't wrong!  love is super fulfilling.  it makes rainy days joyful, and smiles constant.

a dear friend recently told me that jobs come and go, but love is one of those things that changes your life forever.

so last week, when the earthquake hit in japan and a tsunami was rumored for our coast, i was at jeadi's house.  we had put tenshi to bed and fallen asleep on the couch, perhaps to avoid my cold trip home.  we awoke to disaster on the television.  half asleep, trying to make sense of things, i was scared.

i mentioned that i should head home to make things easier for tenshi to understand in the morning.  jeadi told me to get in bed with them and stay the night, that i wasn't going anywhere by myself.  a perfect example of a winning moment.

of course, things come up for me all the time...trust issues, practicing selflessness, finding alissa time in all this...

according to my favorite buddhist philosopher, thich nhat hanh, there are four elements of true love:

1. maitri - loving kindness or benevolence
2. karuna - the desire and ability to ease the pain of another person
3. mudita - joy
4. upeksha - equanimity or freedom

relationships teach you essential life lessons.  it's not in our human nature to let the bird fly from the cage, only to return if it's truly yours to keep.  but i'm learning that we must transform ourselves to love - look deeply into our partner to understand their suffering, challenge ourselves to generate kindness in every moment.

still, for me the biggest teachers are moments without thought.  crawling into bed at night, smiles on video chat, being used as a pillow by tenshi while watching movies...that's love.  all the heavy bullshit is not love.  it's the past.  it's time to let them go, fly, and absorb the fantasy that is my life.

xo
alis