learning to fly

climbing up to scary heights...

5 minutes later, i jumped!

happiness

hey everyone...

i've been meaning to post for oh-so-long. there are times when i'm living out here, and moments arise that i would like to talk about, share with my community in greater depth than just pictures...

right now, i'm in bed with a flu. last night, i had 103 degree fever, and like a little kid i cried, sweated, slept, dreamt, called my mommy...the fever persists...101, 100...

this year has been such a crazy time for your friend alis. it seems that every time i'm just settling into life here in oakland, something comes up to shatter the stability around me. in all areas of life, these feelings have arisen, and i can't help but think that there is great significance here.

an astrologer (who is amazing), told me that in these few months, i'm going to 'go through it worse than i ever have before, leaving behind patterns and beliefs i've held since i was a child.' at the same time, 'how i weather the storm will determine who i am for the rest of my life.' luckily, turbulence like this will 'never happen again in this lifetime.'

what's so interesting is that nothing is ACTUALLY wrong right now. in relation to 90% of the earth, i am one of the most fortunate people on the planet. i have a job, a beautiful apartment, friends, family, and money. i even have a car. what i'm going through feels uniquely 'american,' getting caught up in my own problems, instead of appreciating all that i have in this world.

on the other hand, this drama also feels very real. last weekend, i went on a statewide youth policy retreat for work. for days before the retreat, anxiety filled my chest and i was sure that i didn't want to go (and therefore couldn't). i was wondering if this fear was for a good reason - was i going to die on the redwood highway? get sick in the middle of the woods? - or was it imagined? the last time i had an anxiety attack like this, was before summer camp years ago...revisiting childhood emotions...

while the retreat did disrupt my mojo, i survived. i connected with kids, jumped off a 100' platform into the redwood trees, and most of all, i learned that as adults we sometimes have to do things we don't want to do in order to maintain mutual respect, and surrender to life.

as pema chodron says in this fantastic book i'm reading - "when we think that something is going to bring us pleasure, we don't know what's really going to happen. when we think something is going to give us misery, we don't know. letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all..."

i am tested daily to make sense of the life that i lead, and i have been constantly reminded that i don't know a damn thing right now. sometimes, life is hard. and other times, it's bliss. letting go into the moments that make up our life is surely the only way...to be.

love to all, more soon.
alis